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« September 2006 | Main | November 2006 »

October 31, 2006

No Limit Vs. Limit

This is an illegitimate poker post. I have absolutely no business sharing poker knowledge with anyone. Really I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about. Also, I should mention that the following story is fictional, because I'm not sure... but it might be illegal for me to be "gambling" online. So with that said....

I had a couple of online poker accounts with a few dollars in each. After the recent legislation making it illegal for US banks to transfer money to certain gaming sites (poker being one) I thought I would close out my accounts. I have been in house cleaning mode these days. Of course it wasn't worth the trouble to get the few dollars that were there so I decided to play.

It still makes me laugh to tell you that instead of buring through the $5 I had in my account I won a small tournament and $216 playing no limit hold'em. That was a couple of weeks ago. So I've been playing here and there doing fairly well for a beginner.

This past weekend I played in a private tournament held by the Ante Up podcast. The game however was limit hold'em, which I had never played. It didn't take very long for me to catch onto the concept.

In no limit, I know what cards I'm holding and that is the most important thing. The second most important thing in no limit is to figure out what your opponents are holding. You do that by pushing around chips and paying close attention. After that you either protect your hand or you throw it away. It's pretty simple.

Limit is a game for wishers and dreamers. There is very little you can do to protect your hand. It's about odds. It's about deciding if the two cards you're holding have the potential to be the two best cards to be holding by the time you see the river.

So this game theory has me thinking about my current situation. Am I a limit player or a no limit player. How should I play my cards. Do I make a decision based on what I already know or what I'm hoping for?

Picture_1In the Ante Up limit hold'em tournament.. out of 71 players I managed to limp up to the final table with a very short stack... if you can call 2-3 chips a stack. BTW the hosts of the show went out before I did. Which should tell you that sometimes the cards you get matter more then any theory you can make up. Like I just did.

October 30, 2006

Starting all over again...

I'm not entirely ready to be blogging yet. I still need time off. This past week has been indescribable and caused me to pull the blog. It was necessary for reasons I can't explain.

So it is back up. If you have any active links to this blog please be sure they point to .

Because this is an empty space now, I will probably be updating soon. I'm afraid that I will be choosing my topics and words more carefully. I really would like to write what is on my mind, but I know if I do I will be hurting someone. I'm pretty unhappy these days and it's taking all of the energy I have to take care of myself and the ones I love, oh and not lose my mind.

It's just been one thing after another. I'm under an enormous amount of pressure. I feel helpless about the situation. For the first time in a long time, I'm worried about the future.

I really should not be blogging this.

October 21, 2006

I need a time out.

Although I made the decision this past Tuesday, I needed to live with it for a couple days to make sure it was really what I wanted.

Doing a podcast is quite a lot of work. Ask anyone who's done it. With a few wonderful exceptions, it's fairly thankless work. In order to do it week in and week out you really must love doing it.

First I want to express my overwhelming gratitude.

To those readers here of A Yoga Coffee Outlook, thanks for all of the comments, email, skype chats, and phone calls. It's frightening and often embarrassing to write when things are not going well. You guys have been keeping me going in so many ways and feel a lot like family to me.

Listeners of the podcast, you guys really hung in there. Somehow we even increased the numbers to nearly 1000 listeners over the last two weeks. Chas and Elizabeth were willing to take on a bigger role... and barely got their feet wet. Liz and Ricardo gave up their free time and some good stories to help me keep the show alive. All proof that even strangers with different view points can sit down for an hour and share bits of their lives with each other. Which was the true spirit of the show.

The Podcasting community is such strong and supportive group of great people. Ray Iddings of Pink's Radio and Paulie B of Punky Radio both stepped up to be on the show. Geoff from the On Hold Podcast not only offered to be a guest host but has been a sympathetic ear and supporter of the show from day one. There are many others, too numerous to mention, who offered to hang out with me for a show or two. Even Bob Gentry who is likely the busiest guy on the Sunset Strip these days offered.

Everyones generosity in regards to the show forced me to evaluate the situation intensely. I'd feel terrible if after everyones efforts I still felt the way I do now... With Bobby's departure from the show, I don't love doing it anymore. I don't have it in me anymore. Every time I put the ridiculous headphones on I get into this battle with myself and it's just too difficult to do. So I will no longer be doing shows.

Clearly I need a blog break as well. So AYCO will go dark until November 16th... Coincidentally thats when the I-Pod contest is over. I'm not going into seclusion, I just won't be publicly posting. I will still be answering my e-mail and checking comments... Just no new posts. The podcast will cease to be available after November.

Thanks once more to everyone. I hope I haven't let anyone down.

October 20, 2006

Blog Writing

Be sure to vote for Bob Gentry...

While Kelly is away, I’m here to entertain you.  Instead of the usual post from Kelly, I am going to expand on a conversation she and I had. No, it’s not about our personal lives, although I have a great story about Mr. Octopus—a guy I met a couple of weeks ago now. I will have to save that for later. Today I want to talk about blogs and professional writing. I truly took offense to a statement that blogs aren’t professional writing. I think there are lots of bloggers out there who would agree with me.

Believe it or not, you can get paid to blog—no not by putting ads on your site. There are groups and companies who will pay someone to write a blog about a certan topic or products. In my research, I even found added support for what I’m telling you here. And it’s not recent. It’s an article by Meg Hourihan (one of the founders of Blogger). You might ask where I found an abundance of articles on blogs…at the Purdue University website for English 515:  Advanced Professional Writing. The class had to blog as part of their grade. So although many of us blog just for enjoyment, it’s not just hurling whatever comes to mind onto your blog. Even those bloggers who appear to do this aren’t.

Here’s a quote from Meg:  “Blog posts are short, informal, sometimes controversial, and sometimes deeply personal, no matter what topic they approach. They can be characterized by their conversational tone and unlike a more formal essay or speech, a blog post is often an opening to a discussion, rather than a full-fledged argument already arrived at.” 

I liked this quiote and happen to agree, but it doesn't mean that blogs aren't professional writing. Developing your voice is an important part of being a writer.


October 18, 2006

Busy Rebounding

Img_6494 *** REMINDER ***

BOB GENTRY is getting very close to the final round at Please don't forget to click the link above and vote for my friend Bob. He is working day and night to keep people updated and in the loop so they don't forget to go back and vote in every round. He appreciates all of the support. Be sure to stop in at his blog too, just to say hey and let him know he's got your support.

Okay... back to rebounding. I will be out of town until Saturday. I've asked a couple of very capable women to watch the place while I'm gone. Be nice to them. Leave lotsa comments and check out their blogs too.

October 17, 2006

Seriously NSFW

This is the funniest thing.... I have ever... I mean EVER seen...


Let It Snow

First_snow_summitThis photograph was taken a little over 10 years ago in Keystone, Colorado. My roommate woke me up at 2AM to tell me that it had snowed and there was about 6 inches outside. We went outside to play. Living in a ski town, being a pro/am skier there was cause for celebration.

I spent the previous summer rehabilitating my reconstructed knee. Dryland training and physical therapy is how I spent 8-10 hours everyday. In my lifetime, never before and never again will I be in the strong physical condition that I was in when this photo was taken.

October 16, 2006

Wanted: Human Sacrifice

Witch_kittyToday I checked the evites for my Halloween soiree and I got a decline from a girl I played tennis with this summer.

It reads:

Kelly, Thanks for the invite. For religious reasons I do not celebrate Halloween. I appreciate being included. I hope you won't take this personally, but human sacrifice and other Halloween traditions should be feared not celebrated.


Do you think I should have let everyone know that I could not find anyone to volunteer for human sacrifice? If only we had a guest worker program in this country. Then there would be people to do the jobs that Americans won't take.

Seriously... I had no intention of killing anyone at my party.

October 14, 2006

Moxxie Denver! It's Here.

I was super excited to see that Denver is now listed on the Moxxie site. If you missed my earlier announcement, I'll forgive you and say it again. I am now a contributing writer for in Denver.

You can follow this link to sign up for Denver Moxxie and receive my articles by e-mail. You really should and I hope you will. I should mention that my first article might be about a Brazilian wax. Maybe it might.

October 12, 2006

Timing is everything.

A big part of what I write here has to do with the time of day that I write. Mornings are not easy to be emotionally open.

Last night I had a dream about "the sax player". "The sax player" is a guy I dated when I was young... 18. He was really sexy. So much so that he seems like an aberration. He was really poor and lived in a 2000 SF run down studio with a couch, a bed, a card table, and park bench. I don't think it was zoned for residential use. It looked like the set of an 80's video.

When I tell you that he was poor. I mean, he took odd jobs for cash. He could barley afford to wash his clothes at a laundromat so he did his laundry in the kitchen sink. His cupboards were bare and the light in his refrigerator actually flickered.

But there was something very alluring about a man who didn't own anything he didn't need. It was a self imposed lifestyle. He was a jazz musician. He always wore a white undershirt and a thin worn dress shirt. Up close you could see faint pit stains which anyone would normally find disgusting, but on him it was different. When he walked you could hear the change in his pocket. His hands smelled like cigarette smoke, but just his hands. His hair smelled like honey.

Spending time with him was like stepping into another world.

My intention this morning was to write about the whole affair and relive it here in the blog. Unfortunately, after answering email, returning calls, and scanning my to do list. I just can't get there now. Hopefully the thought strikes me again.

I do need to mention that Bob Gentry made it through another round. It's more important than ever to vote for him in these later rounds. Bob has been a friend to me. When I tell you that he's a great guy and go vote for him, it's not a plastic proposal. He deserves to win this or at least have the opportunity to. There is nothing more difficult then promoting yourself because inevitably you come across as egotistic. Bob is not pretentious at all. He may actually be too nice if there is such a thing. I often forget to mention how talented he is, mainly because his talent impresses me less then his heart. Please, for Bob, use the link above to go vote for him... again. I think there are two or three rounds to go so put it on your calendar.

October 10, 2006

Mr. Bunny has two friends.

I don't want to take credit here for being especially clever with this story. Most people have heard it before. Maybe you have heard it or another version. It was told in movie, though I don't recall which one.

I was just thinking about the whole judging a book by its cover thing. Thinking that people we think are good for us, might not be. And the people we perceive are hurting us are actually helping.

So if you have not heard the story before here it is.

One day, there was a bunny. Mr. Bunny, actually. One early winter day, Mr. Bunny was out doin' bunny stuff... hopping around, eating grass... you know, being a bunny. Anyhow, an early snow starts falling. Mr. Bunny blows it off, thinking it's just a dusting. But it quickly turned into a blizzard.

Sure enough, Mr. Bunny can't find his way back to his little bunny hole. He thinks to himself "oh boy, I'm totally screwed. I can't find my little bunny hole, it's snowing like hell... I'm gonna freeze to death."

Right about then, Mr Bunny's bestest friend in the whole wide world, Mr. Moose, saunters up. Mr. Bunny says to him "Mr. Moose, I'm lost, and to make matter worse, I'm starting to freeze to death!".

Now Mr. Moose, being the smartest moose in the forest, thinks quickly. He knows exactly what to do... Mr. Moose takes a great big, steaming, moose sized shit right on Mr. Bunny.

Mr. Bunny is furious! He thinks to himself "wonderful... first I get lost, then I start to freeze to death, now I get shit on". But then Mr. Bunny realizes that the crap is keeping him nice and warm. He thinks to himself "this ain't so bad... in fact, this is great! I'm gonna make it! I'M GOING TO LIVE!!!"

Right about then, another friend of Mr. Bunny, a certain Mr. Fox, walks by and sees his friend Mr. Bunny covered in Moose Crap. Mr. Fox screams "don't fret Mr. Bunny... I'm your friend, I'LL SAVE YOU!!"

Mr. Bunny is relieved and is so happy thinking about getting back to his cozy rabbit hole. Mr. Fox pulls Mr. Bunny out of the shit and just as Mr. Bunny is about to thank Mr. Fox... Mr. Fox eats him.

The moral of the story is... just because someone shits on you, that doesn't make him your enemy and just because someone gets you out of shit, that doesn't make him your friend.

Football, Whiskey, Podcasting

Football hat trick? 3 beautiful interceptions. I hope nobody based their bets on my bitter predictions. I was jaded. Saturday was rough. I do have a confession for anyone who watched the game. I went with my friend Kevin who works for a local television station and my cute little butt was in a cozy suite all game long. I'm glad I went. I even missed my bunko night and it was Bunko/Sex Toy Party night. So that's saying a lot.

In keeping my promise from the previous post, we went to Churchill where I drank whiskey. Not my beverage of choice, but when in Rome. It was Johnny Blue which I'm told is "a fine blend". After two I would tell you that I was a cheap date, but I don't think Johnny Blue is cheap and neither am I.

I've decided that I'm not up to replacing Bobby in the podcast. I'm casting again tonight and I suspect I might talk about it in detail, but basically it's like your dog dying. The newsflash is this... The show will feature a rotating cast of guest hosts. If you think you might be interested in guest hosting, please visit the podcast webpage and fill out the guest host inquiry. It might also help if you listen to the podcast so you know what you are getting yourself into. If you happen to be a musician and would like to submit something to the show, there is a form for that too. Cool are you listening????

Also check out my new fun links site. Which contains... Fun Links... N'Stuff.

October 09, 2006

Deja Deja Deja Vu

Oh how I love Mondays. Really, really, really I do. And if I say it three times... Then you know it's true!

It's raining outside this morning. I'm wondering what the weather will be like tonight. I'm going to the Broncos game to watch them lose to the Ravens. Wait a minute. Did I just do something like this on Saturday? Deja Vu.

If they win I plan on drinking all night long and losing my virginity. But that's impossible.

I bet you're wondering which part of that statement is impossible aren't you.

I'm becoming a bit of a YouTube junkie. So much so that I have added a page to the blog where I will put all my funnery. If you are into wasting time you will want to add the URL to your feed. It's a separate blog page although it looks just like this one.

For instance today I found a video that combines Rap, Rhapsody, and Robots. Very Cool! I'll probably add something every day. I'll also link it here once I get some time to make up a cool hyper link.

October 08, 2006

Life IS telling you you're a loser.

10 straight losses? 0-6? You've got to be kidding me. I guess it's time to stop talking about how we won the National Championship in the year nineteen hundred and ninety and started talking about why we suck now? Then when when we finish talking about why we suck now, maybe we could try a little harder to not suck. THEN when we stop sucking, maybe we could win a game or two, maybe half.

I spent yesterday at the game. I sat next to an alum who graduated in 1962. I swear I saw a tear in his eye. There is nothing worse then watching a guy your father's age crying except for maybe an entire stadium full of people just waiting for a loss. You would think a game that went into a 3rd overtime would be exciting. It was more like twisting the knife in your back while watching a train wreck during a nuclear rainstorm.

This morning I read Hawkins response to the teams loss.

"Ultimately, life kind of comes down to some values and some morals and some principles," he said. "Whether life tells you're a winner or a loser, it's really, ultimately, up to you. No matter what happens, that cannot affect our pride and our dignity and our integrity. And we're going to continue to do things right."

Wha? Do things right? Football is not about doing things right. It is about WINNING games. W-I-N-N-I-N-G  G-A-M-E-S. If this is the current game plan, put all of your money on Texas Tech.

The Republic of Boulder has now infiltrated the CU Football program.

October 07, 2006

A moment of silence for Loretta

I woke up this morning feeling really great. Most of my cold is gone, I actually felt hungry again. And all that other stuff... seems to have left me.

Grandma_me_1Yesterday I took my 88 year old Grandmother to renew her drivers license. If you're asking why I would have to drive someone who has a drivers license to get a new drivers license, that's a very good question.

My Grandmother drives 5 blocks to the local grocery store crossing only on major intersection to get there. She has lived in the same house for over 65 years. Her world is very small. The closest Drivers License Bureau is about 3 miles away... beyond her comfort zone.

My Grandmother has excellent vision, she doesn't need glasses. She's very healthy. She has only recently started using a cane to help her get up. But the truth is that she is a terrible driver. It's been over 12 years since I have been a passenger in her car and I remember never wanting to ride with her again.

When we got to the drivers license bureau, she was told that she would need to get a doctors release before they would issue her a license. I felt bad for her. I knew she was embarrassed. I imagine it's a very frustrating situation for her. The good news is I'm sure her doctor will sign it. The other good news is that she really only drives to the store and back when traffic is low and the weather is good. The bad news is that the next time the doctor might not sign. This will likely be the last time she renews her license.

Afterwords I took my grandmother to Old Chicago for lunch. My grandmother is pretty hip. She likes margaritas and had one for lunch. We talked about my mother. She really wants my mother and I to mend "fences". Problem is... there is no fence to mend. We talked about my cousin. She's in the military and just got divorced. She has a 2-year-old daughter and a judge awarded custody to her ex-husband, giving her only visitation. Not sure about the details on this. I have the impression it had to do with financial stability.

Oh and I'm sure I never mentioned this before. Requires a little set up though.

My grandmother's family has been in Denver since the early 1800's. In elementary school, by coincidence, a girl named Erin Pike was in my class. She was the great, or great great granddaughter of Zebulon Pike. Our teacher was beside herself having two Colorado legacy's in her class. Leave it to me to name drop from the 19th century. ;)

My grandmother being the old Denverite that she is, maintains a chicken coop in her back yard. She can do this because she is somehow grandfathered in under the city laws. How would you like it if your neighbor had a chicken coop? She lives in the city. This is not a country house. Anyway Loretta (the hen) died. She has three left; Dolly, Patsy, and Tammy. All named after country singers. 

October 06, 2006

Halloween Bash Planning

I think my cold peaked last night. As evidence, the previous post. I started feeling better this afternoon. Thanks to my new found health, I spent the day planning my Halloween Bash.

The date? Saturday October 28th. The plan? Total costume and totally over the top.

How do you have a total costume, totally over the top party. Well the first part is pretty clear. For the second part here is the plan.

Hire a DJ. check

Hire bartenders and valet service. check

Reserve catering. check

Floor plan. check

Order extra seating and tables. check

Then there's decorations. I did just a little shopping today.

2 Fog makers, 1 quart fog fluid, 4 strobe lights, 10 black light bulbs, 600 ft. purple and orange strung lights, 4 bags of spider webs, 5 bags of bones, 10 rolls of streamers, 400 ft. bat garland, 6 grave markers, 3 haunted pictures, 2 bags of glow in the dark bats, 3 full size skeletons, 6 skull candles, 8 pumpkins, 1 vibrating head, 6ft. foam coffin, 2 dozen long stem black silk roses, mini brain molds (jello shots anyone?), table cloths, glass wear.

ahem... check

E-vites to 76... bring your friends and family... sure... and yes... check.

I'm worn out and still a little sick.


October 05, 2006

Wyld Stallyans Rule

Ever wish Rufus would show up with his phone booth and you could jump back in time like Bill and Ted?

Today was odd... erm yesterday... (It's a quarter past one in the morning here). I guess just a rough day. Well I'm sick and taking all sorts of over the counter medication so I'm a little funky that way. But also, dealing with a ton of feedback on the podcast.

I have to report that the show had record first day downloads. More downloads today then total downloads for some past episodes. I'm both happy and sad about that. Libsyn has a notorious spinning wheel of death that spirals while the stats page loads. I watched the wheel spin and was astonished when I saw the number. Maybe it was just out of habit, maybe it was the cold and drug combo... I don't know what... But my instinct was to think I needed to call Bobby. Then I remembered and the numbers didn't seem so great.

First, I imagine the surge has to do with listeners wanting to hear the changes to the show without Bobby or maybe looking for a little insight into what happened. Second, Ricardo has his own following so I'm sure he's brought some listeners over, although I think he just posted about being on the show a couple of hours ago so not sure how that factors.

Ricardo was GREAT and we did an awesome show. We're going to do another. In no way do I want to slight Ricardo. He was awesome.

This is just me over thinking. This is just me blogging about my thoughts involving the overall situation. And don't forget the pills. I'm just super reflective now and this IS where put all my mental trash.

There were emails.

The show has had a small but devoted following. Today I received emails from 7 listeners. 2 of which I knew were listening, 5 were from people I did not know were listening. There were two camps.

Camp number one expressed sadness that Bobby was gone and commented that the thing they liked so much about the show was the chemistry between Bobby and I. One of the emails was particularly hard to read. It sited specific things that were said. Things I forgot. Made me sad.

Camp number two was glad to see Bobby go and cited several things they liked about the most recent podcast with Ricardo. These emails made me sad too, in some cases irritated. Not because Ricardo wasn't great or because I wasn't happy to know that people were going to like the show without Bobby, but because I really liked the show the way it was. I really did.

It also bothered me that the initial appearance is that the cast will do better without Bobby on board.

I know I should be putting on my strong confident girl act. Maybe I would if I wasn't sick and shooting Nyquil. By tomorrow morning I'll likely read this post and feel pathetic about it. And, if I thought Bobby was going to read this there would be no way in hell I would write it. At this point I've got him all figured out... He won't be reading.

But I don't know guys. I just hate this. I feel like no matter how successful the cast gets, and I'm sure it will. It still won't be enough. But I can't quit this. I quit my business. I just can't have this much quitting going on in my life now.

I wish there was some way I could get in that telephone booth and go back and stop the cast from ever being made in the first place.

So tomorrow I'll wake up, hate the fact that I wrote this, I won't delete it because I'll be too drained to write anything else, I'll get some work done, this post and my feelings will get buried in the archives after a couple of weeks, then the podcast will be more successful then ever and I'll forget that I felt this way.

So, be excellent to each other so you or someone else won't need to write something like this ever.

October 04, 2006

E-Mail Down

Just a note... My e-mail is down. I'm switching servers and should have it running again soon.

Popping Pills and Uncooperative Bananas

Banana_art9This viral infection that I invited into my life is running it's course. It's already proved to be stronger and more affectionate then its previous carrier. It is, however, equal in compassion. The good news is that I'm carrying on despite its destructive behavior.

Last night Ricardo, from the Ricardo Web, played the part of my knight in shining armor by joining me as cohost for the podcast. The cast was smooth and Ricardo was GREAT. I did think about Bobby several times during the show. How could I not? It was expected. But I also realized that I can do the show with anyone, and it's still The Based on Experience Podcast. Judge for yourself.

The show was a really good, tight episode. The conversation contains just as much porn talk as it ever did. I've listened to it about three times now and other then the fact that my voice is hoarse from being sick, it sounds very good. I also got to play my favorite Bob Gentry song on the show.

Speaking of Bob Gentry he is still hanging tough in the StarTomorrow competition. The Startomorrow website has been having difficulties, going up and down, crappy sound. Hopefully the issues with the site won't affect Bob's campaign. I'll be in full Vote for Bob mode by the weeks end. If you want to get an early jump on my expectations, pop over and vote for Bob. There have been some changes to the format. Instead of head to head competition they are taking the top bands with the most votes. More on that later.

The podcast site is being reworked, hopefully it will be up by tonight. I also need to change my email server by tomorrow. I've had to do this in the past and I know it can be very easy or very hard. So I'm preparing for the worst. Hopefully I don't lose any really important mail in the transition.

Yes, I'm bored today. I tried to peel a banana and it split on both sides so I spent about 20 minutes trying to carefully peel it without damaging the wondrous inner fruit. Then I got a knife out and chopped the nana to pieces.. It's the pills people. Pseudogifennyquileanex. 

October 03, 2006

Home Sick In My Jammies

This morning I woke up gasping.

Over the weekend I willingly shared space with a person who was sick. It seemed at the time like my only other option was to not see the person and that wasn't an option as far as I was concerned. This is what happens when you let your heart and other body systems make choices for you. Seems I forgot that when I get sick I have pseudo asthma related symptoms. You know, can't breathe, gasping for my life.... little annoyances.

So today I'm hanging out in the silk jammies I got in Chinatown, drinking tea, and rebuilding the podcast website. I hate to admit it, it's a bad trait, but when things go wrong I'm a slash and burn type. My mind goes into rebuild mode before the first match is lit. So that's basically where I'm at today.

I canceled my trip to LA this month and rescheduled it for the end of November so I could go ahead and have the Halloween party I was thinking about having. Seems like a good time to have a little fun. I'm doing a cartoon/comic book character theme. Sort of a Scooby-Doo spooky mansion thing... You know on the show where they have a big party and it doesn't seem weird to have vampires and Elton John in the same room.

October 02, 2006

Hate & Hurt

I'm feeling lots better today. It's tough having a personal blog. It's especially difficult for me when I've been hurt by someone. We all have complicated lives with stories to tell; things that have happened to us; things we've done to other people.

Most of you have heard of FOAD days or FU Fridays (which Philip over at Life in & Around Memphis is very funny with). My now former podcast host liked to point out that I never said what I really thought or anything controversial. He thought I was afraid to step on toes. 

I bite my tongue a lot. Not because I'm afraid of offending someone. But because I know that life is hard, we all have crap we're dealing with and all of our lives are randomly or maybe not so randomly intersecting.

Yesterday I was trying to merge into the exit lane and this total jerk would not let me over, he actually sped up to prevent me from getting over. He was a huge asshole and I let him know it when I pulled up next to him at the intersection. I gave him the pinky finger to remind him how small I thought his penis was. Not my standard forte. Obviously I felt completely justified. But I was also really angry. Not at him and his jerk-off driving manners. I was angry because someone hurt me the day before. I thought about this guy. Maybe he was an asshole, maybe he's been one all of his life, maybe his mother shot herself in the head when he was five. I don't know.

It's so easy to be mean when you hurt. It's easy to find faults in others when you carry anger and pain with you. Judge, criticize, dismiss. Everyone you meet has a lifetime of experiences they take with them. We all have our own systems for how we file those experiences. The file sitting on my desk at the moment is the "People who disappointed me" file. I put away the "desperate people who used me" file and I never even opened the "people I hate file" thats mostly politicians and child molesters I met when I was in law enforcement.

The "people who dissappointed me" file is reasonably thick. Most of which I attribute to my Mother. We can't pick our parents. My Mother had a lot of dreams. She was beautiful, strong willed, and talented. When she got pregnant with me the dreams she had slipped away. For a short time she tried to live her dreams through me, but she realized that I was more like my father and I think that hurt her to see him in me. I've spent many hours, possibly hundreds, trying to remember a time when she expressed praise for me or any of my accomplishments. A "good job!" or "I'm proud of you" was never given. It wasn't until I was in my early 20's and I started casually saying "I love you" while saying goodbye to her on the phone that she ever told me that she loved me too.

I raised myself. I gave myself chores, disciplined myself when I was bad. I remember once telling my grandmother that I could not go out to play because I was grounded for saying "damn it". I was fortunate that I had a huge extended family that was very loving and present in my life. If not for their influence I'd probably be a Norman Bates.

I don't hate my mother, I love her very much. The older I get the more I understand how the pain she felt overwhelmed her. It's been nearly a year since I've spoken to her. I know that she is aware of how she failed me. I can feel the guilt she carries when I look at her. It's uncomfortable for us both. I'm not a sadist. I don't like to be around her because of it.

When people hurt us, lob insults, dismiss us. I think they are just hurt themselves. I'm not trying to be politically correct or make excuses for bad behavior. I just can't carry that with me. I don't want to transfer the hurt feelings I'm having out into the world. I don't want to share it. I don't want to make others feel my pain. I don't want to be that nasty person, with the constant negative commentary running in my head, seeking out flaws, finding ways to belittle every person who crosses my path. Every annoyance igniting rage inside. I don't want to carry the guilt that goes along with it.

October 01, 2006

Back Again.

I got back last night feeling drained. I guess the answer to the previous quiz is D. I have to report that everthing went pretty much as expected. Admittedly a part of me wanted to be surprised. I am a little but mostly surprised at myself because had things gone differently, I would have been the bad guy. I hate being the bad guy, let someone else do it.