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July 17, 2006

Oxygen Suckers

Sunday I met my friend Amy to see a movie. My friends and I are all about getting things done. We are doer's. We do things, we do lots of things, and we get things done. But I'm repeating myself. If there's one thing doer's don't like, it's oxygen suckers or maybe they are donothinger's or maybe takeforverertodoer's. Whatever they are called they irritate me. Now I usually hold back on the rants here at AYCO. Maybe Bobby is rubbing off on me. And if he is reading this he's laughing at that last sentence. But it is integral to the story so I have to tell you about these girls.

The movie theater we go to is a huge 24 theater multiplex. On a hot Sunday afternoon, we knew it would be busy. So my friend and I met 30 minutes before the movie. Forgot to mention, we were seeing The Devil Wears Prada. Anyway, long lines at both the ticket windows and the self serve ticket machines. I spot Amy and we pick a ticket machine and hop in line.

We are behind oxygen suckers. As part of their oxygen sucking attributes, these girls  are talking... talking much. Talking so much that you can tell they are oblivious to their surroundings. Now I'm all for talking, I do it all the time. I'm also for free speech, so say what you like. But if you are a new mommy and you are an oxygen sucker talking openly and very loudly about the stitches in you vagina bothering you, just know I may blog about that.

The line is moving slowly. I'm reading Amy's mind and we are both looking around. We are thinking these girls are going to be trouble. All of the lines are long and we are both wondering should we get out of the line we are in or just wait and see. We wait. Vaginal Stitches is now going on about her lactation problems and the size of her areolas. I considered briefly describing to Amy, in detail, the hot sex I had the night before. Just to give the suckers something to listen to, vs. talking. However, Amy just broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years, so that conversation was not an option. We are now running late the movie starts in about 5 minutes.

Okay, line moves and oxygen suckers are up. The first girl, the short quiet one steps up to the machine and buys her ticket. I'm suspicious that shorty is not actually an oxygen sucker, just has oxygen sucker friends. The next oxygen sucker buys her ticket after giggling "hehehe I almost pushed Davinci code... heheheh... I would have had to go to a different movie heheheh." Obviously these girls are not close enough that one person is willing to treat the others. Vaginal Stitches steps up... selects her movie... I notice they are also going to see The Devil Wears Prada.. Wonderful. I thought for sure they were going to see, You, Me & Dupree. Oh well, they are almost done (almost = foreshadowing that they are not almost done).

Vaginal Stitches swipes her card. No worky. She swipes her card again. The machine doesn't like it, cancels the transaction. She does this three times, two card swipes each round. Amy and I are thinking the same thing... Would one of you oxygen suckers please buy your friends ticket before we have to do it for you. Giggles-a-lot steps up and tries to buy the ticket, her card does not work now.

I'm thinking the F-Word... VS of the OS just broke the GD machine, WTF.

Shorty steps up without saying a word, swipes her card... processing... wait... tickets pop out. Thank gawd. Now I know shorty is not an Oxygen Sucker.

I buy tickets for Amy and I ... we are friends it's no big deal... geeze I've bummed tampons from the girl it's the least I can do.

We get to the theater just as the movie is starting... No seats. When I say no seats I mean no seats that anyone would want to sit in. We take two of the last three seats in the front row. THE FRONT ROW!

The OS girls plus shorty (not a true OS) enter the theater. Are you really surprised that Amy and I made it to our seats first?

GAL: hehehehe there are no seats... hehehee... What should we do... hehehheh maybe we SHOULD have seen Davinci Code. (apparently that is the movie she really wanted to see)

VS: OMG I can't believe this... let's find the manager.

Shorty: (sits down next to me)


Movie starts... I am leaning back in my seat as far as I can.

30 seconds later...

Headache starts... I am sitting entirely still. Moving my head makes motion sickness set in.

Why do they even have these seats? Who likes sitting in these seats? The theater owner is an ass.

The movie, by the way, I really liked. There is a scene where Andy tells Christian, "I'm not your baby". That whole scene was stolen from my actual life. I need to be more careful about what I tell people in airports, because it eventually ends up on the big screen.


I totally got suckered into thinking you might actually talk about that hot sex later in your post. It's moments like the one you had in that line that are going to go into my book, "Crimes against Humanity". She should be inflicted with listening to Howard Stern for 24 hours straight. (Sorry if anyone likes him. I can take him in small doses only.)

Sorry Glenn,

You have to email me if you want info on the Hot Sex. ;)

But seriously, how much worse can if get for her? She dose has itchy stictches in her britches.


I do believe that was an open invitation to email you. Don't you think we're rushing into something here? I mean it seems like it was only a few days ago that I started commenting on your blog. ;)

Whoa! I feel like I'm reading a chick blog...


I had the opportunity of working at an office where 3 women were pregnant at the same time and heard very loud conversations about visits to the gynecologists or whatever. Always around me. Awful. anyway, I made the mistake of sitting in the front row once or twice and felt sick halfway through the film. There's no excuse for having seats that close to the screen. The bastards!


You know what they said about curiosity. ;)


I don't know why you say that? I only said Vagina once. Ok I also said vaginal and areolas.


It would have been a better story if we found good seats and the OS girls had to sit up front. But yes they are bastards.


Oxygen Suckers is good. I like to call those type of people "wastes of space".

I feel so violated. I've been added to the links without my consent. Then again, when in history has a guy ever turned down a hot chic? Thanks for the add.. I need to return the gesture. :)

Not a problem Glenn. If you change your mind and want me to remove your link. Just let me know and I'll take it right off. I don't want you to feel violated.

I usually go to movies at the 11am Sunday matinee when the O2 suckers are in church, Kelly. It's rare, here in the South, for even 15% of the seats to be filled then. Even for new releases!

Better luck next time!

You should have gone up to Vagina Stitches, grabbed her by the shoulders, and shaken hard while yelling "WHY WHY WHYYYYY!" into her face. That would have gotten her mind off the privates and the breastfeeding issues for at least a few minutes. :)

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