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July 31, 2006

The Lucky Blog Post

Lady_fortuneCongratulations! Lady Fortune has selected you to read this Lucky Blog Post™, and your life will never be the same.

"What nonsense," you might say. That was the attitude of 92-year-old Joseph Myers, a retiree at the Frisky Acres Managed Living Center in Naples, Florida. According to an official report filed at Frisky Acres, Myers read the Lucky Blog Post™ on the evening of November 16, 2005. But rather than taking immediate action, Myers retired for the night with his companion, a Tampa-based "senior comfort specialist" named Xanadu. He was found dead in his bed the next morning.

Coincidence? The National Safety Council would disagree. At 92 years of age, Joseph Myers lived approximately 33,603 days. That places the odds of him dying on the particular night of 16 November, 2006 -- the very evening he chose to ignore the Lucky Blog Post™ -- at an astonishing 33,603 to 1.

To put this in perspective, the NSC estimates the chance of the average American dying in a transportation accident at 1 in 77. Your odds of dying as the result of a fall is 1 in 229. The likelihood of death from something as unusual an "event of undetermined intent" is only 1 in 771.

Government-sponsored science demonstrates the danger of ignoring this Lucky Blog Post™.

In a moment, you'll be instructed how to avoid this risk. But first, let's take a look at some of the amazing fortune which has visited those who took advantage of the opportunity you are now being presented.

B.S. of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, was an ambitious young singer with big dreams, but no prospects of success. She was among the first to receive the Lucky Blog Post™, and responded within hours. Today, she's one of the best-known names in pop music.

Despite being born into a famous and wealthy family, G.W.B. of Houston, Texas, coasted aimlessly from one failed business enterprise to another. That was before he responded to the Lucky Blog Post™. He went on to be elected governor, and is now the president of the most powerful nation in the world.

K.B. of Denver, Colorado, wondered how to bring more traffic to her online enterprise. Then she received the Lucky Blog Post™. Her Google rankings exploded, and she's now regarded as one of the most influential young women on the internet.

Now the choice is yours -- how will you respond to Lucky Blog Post™?

Having decided to pursue Lady Fortune's graces, you must do the following within 24 hours:

If you are a blogger ... copy the Lucky Blog Post™ in its entirety. Add your weblog address to the bottom of the list below in the form of a hyperlink, and post the otherwise unedited article to your site under the title "The Lucky Blog Post."

If you are not a blogger ... you can still receive the full benefit of the Lucky Blog Post™ by bookmarking it using one or more of the following services: Digg,, Netscape, or Furl.

It is possible to multiply your fortune by finding other ways of bringing the Lucky Blog Post™ to public attention. You should not, however, email the Lucky Blog Post™ in any form. Doing so will displease Lady Fortune.

May the Lucky Blog Post™ bring you uncountable blessings.

The list:

The Lucky Blog Post
Mountains and Rivers
A Yoga Coffee Outlook

July 30, 2006


G35 I think I may have stumbled upon something never before discovered.  See, I was working in the science lab I set up in my basement when it happened.  I know you're thinking to yourself, "self, why does this guy have a science lab in his basement?" or maybe even, "self, doesn't he live in an apartment?  Those don't normally have basements do they?"

Easy Spanky, it's called making stuff up to fit the story.

Anyhow, I had my beakers bubbling, a couple of those bunson burners blazing, and various scales and metal contraptions strewn about when it happened.

I isolated a new gene.

Preliminary testing had proven it to be found only in females.  To make things even more odd, each gene would lay dormant for many years before activating.  I chained a few ladies to the stairway in my basement and tested them everyday.  Besides finding out that holding people against their will is like a second job, I also found out that the gene activated on each woman's 35th birthday.

The first thing I did was name my new discovery Gene 35, and immediately call Inventech.  I was 3 days too late with my improvement patent for Chia Pets and a little over a month too slow to patent my tube that cooks pasta (Damn you Pasta Express.  Damn you to hell!) so I was covering all of my bases on this one.  Ron Popeil was not f'ing me out of this one like he did my idea to cook whole chickens in a toaster oven.

So you're probably already thinking that this is all b.s. but you'd be wrong.  Many man-hours (love that term) went into this discovery and I have plenty of supporting data to prove exactly what G-35 is, why it is only found in women, and also how fast you can cook a hotdog with a bunson burner.  Hmmm, bunson dogs....

It didn't all happen at once.  Linking the gene to it's actions on the body was going to be more difficult.  I got lucky though, and stumbled upon something that really jumpstarted my findings.  It all started because of something every old female teacher of mine used to do.

I know you had a teacher who would do the same thing, which I know now was really just our teachers exhibiting traits of G-35 influence. Licking their thumb to help hand out papers.  Every single page ever handed to you came packaged with a big ol' saliva mark on the corner. Those teachers were unable to hand out anything without licking their finger or thumb first. It was like some weird epidemic.

I call it "Juicing-Up".

I had always thought that "Juicing-Up" was predominantly a female problem, like Bitchiness or Ridiculousness, and my research has proven this to be true.  Moreover, it is hardly ever a woman aged less than 35 years old and certainly it's a very rare woman (I call these very rare women freaks) who has this compulsion but has yet to reach 35 years of age. 

Think about it.  You know your grandmother does it.  You've probably seen your mom do it, and damn if every female teacher you've ever had in school didn't do it as well. In fact, if you haven't experienced a returned assignement with a saliva stamp in one corner I'd have to call you a communist and ask you to leave our country because I'd be inclined to believe you were lying.

Anyways, this was just the first in a series of discoveries that allowed me to map G-35 and really pinpoint what it does to your average female subject.  I'll skip the mumbo jumbo and just get to the facts.

So when Gene 35 is activated it does numerous things. One of the things that it does in almost every case, is unleash a compulsion within the female subject to cut her hair short. Long hair will not feel right anymore, and women will cut their hair into a length only capable of fashioning into "working mother" looks.

Another problem with G-35 is the new inability for the subject to dress cute or sexy any longer.  G-35 triggers a cautious, almost burka-like approach to dressing.  Sensible, man-ish, and sometimes characterized as "something my grandma would wear" becomes the order of the day.

Another possible effect is the mental switch a subject makes from believing they need to lose a few pounds to believing that a "natural" body is sexy. The more extreme cases can be seen on shows like Jerry Springer, while the less obvious cases are just that, less obvious.

(Note: By natural I mean fat)

So with amazement in my eyes I watched a subject of mine Juice-Up her thumb before separating a few sheets of papers I asked to be handed down to each woman chained to my staircase.  Of course I did what any good scientist who has studied this disease for decades would do, I started making fun of her and calling her Grandma.   

She is only 25 and has hair that doesn't reach her chin. I told her she has maybe 1, maybe 2 good years left before G-35 takes complete control. She is a rare case. The G-35 is strong in this one.

Don't think it can't happen to you. Very few women can avoid it's death grip. I know you think it won't happen to you.  That you'll always dress cute and sexy, that you will never cut your hair short because you love your hair, or that you'll never be that old lady Juicing-Up just to flip through her mail, but it will happen. 

With that I should shut up. I don't want some hack who doesn't know a thing about the human body to get too much information from me before it all makes it into a respected journal.

(Don't worry, Kelly will be back tomorrow)

July 29, 2006

Decisions, Decisions...

Eye As I try mightily to remember what day it is, my mind begins to wander.  I don't have to report to work for almost two months and though I have some stuff I need to accomplish before then, I've been given way too much time to do it.  Nothing beats waking up with nothing to do and having to open up the guide on your television to see what the time, day, and date is.

You may be asking yourself, "But Bobby, what types of things does your mind wander towards?"

Assuming I heard your fictional thought of a question, I would probably answer thusly...

Generally porn.

Porn moves.  Porn actors and actresses.  Porn pros.  Porn cons.

But sometimes even a highly trained, efficient, world class mpeg chaser like myself has to take a break.  No man can go 24/7.  If someone tries to ever claim otherwise, declare Shenanigans and call your local authorities.

So during these brief moments away from fake moaning and faker breasts, I let my mind go wherever it may.  I don't know where it will drift off towards, but I can usually guarantee one thing.  It spends way too much time there.

Example?  Why it's your lucky day!

If rocks get spit up into my windshield at 300mph while I'm just minding my business driving along, has there ever been an unlucky hitchhiker slowly meandering his way towards Tupelo who got spiked in the forehead with a granite fastball?

Or worse yet, hit in the eye?

Let's say you get drunk on Mad Dog 20/20 and make a bet with some crazy dude at a bar. You were drinking the lemon lime flavor, feeling pretty good, and this shmuck has the audacity to think the Detroit Lions aren't going to win the super bowl this year.  You bet his Camaro against one of your eyes because (A) you can't lose, the Lions are a lock, (B) you're so drunk hardly realize what you're doing, and (C) who doesn't want a freaking Camaro?.

So the crazy bastard comes to settle his debt after the Detroit Lions finish their 90th consecutive season below .500.  You're a man of your word.  What eye do you let him gouge out?

OK, so maybe you just lose an eye for some plausible reason, but you can choose which one. Right or left?

C'mon, which is it?

It's not a very easy decision. You have to take lots of stuff into consideration. For instance, when you are putting the moves on a lady friend, you want to be able to see her while implementing your go-to move, right?. If you're a golfer, keeping your left eye would help ensure you keep your head down thru the swing. What about falling asleep watching TV? You need to keep the eye that allows you to lay on your favorite side of the bed and still see the boob tube easily.

And would you go with an eye patch, or a glass eye?

If you go with an eye patch you better be ready to learn how to correctly yell "Arghhh" like a pirate, cause every jackass that walks up to you will probably make some lame pirate joke.

If you go with the glass eye you probably need to buy like, 10 of them, all in varying states of awareness.  Then you gotta carry around all of em in case you need to look concerned, excited, angry, or whatever is needed at any given moment.

In the long run I think I'd choose to lose my left eye. There are, of course, a few reasons.

First, I see better out of my right eye.  But that isn't really the deal breaker here.

Possibly more important than that, shouldn't you always wear an eye patch on the same side as your watch?  I think I learned that from Todd Oldham, the designer. No wait!  Now I remember.  I learned that retarded looking, pastel colored, ridiculously uncomfortable looking furniture is "cool" because of him.

And certainly of major concern would be how I can do my best John Black/The Rock impression with my left eyebrow. That would look pretty intimidating with my "angry" glass eyeball staring out from underneath.

I don't know, I guess my point to all of this is that you should always think through decisions, no matter how important you might think they are right now.  In the future you don't want to be looking back on the day you made up your mind too quickly and left yourself with the inability to watch a porno from your side of the bed without craning your neck awkwardly.

July 28, 2006

When the going gets tough... the tough go to San Juan.

It's been a rough week. I was cleaning out my junk mail file last night and a travelocity last minute fares notice caught my eye. So I booked it this morning and I'm going to Puerto Rico. I figured why not run away from all of my troubles... PLUS I am bikini ready.

So the new podcast is up. Listen to it. If you've never listened to a podcast, I'd be happy to be your first.

Bobby will be posting here on Saturday and Sunday bringing the funny which is a real treat. On Monday Kit is stepping in to bring a little class to the place. So I feel that I'm leaving you all in good hands.

So to recap; I'm running away, listen to the podcast, the boys are taking over AYCO.

Have a great weekend! 

July 27, 2006

Do your homework.

I know some of my readers felt I was really exposing myself when I talked about my first Brazilian wax. I felt no hesitation in discussing it, honestly. However what I'm about to discuss I feel exposes me far more then being spread eagle, doused with hot wax and having hairs ripped from the most delicate regions of my body.

Here's how it went down.

Today has been chaos. I have been on the phone all morning, once again putting out small fires and gaining little ground. Without going into details, I received a major chargeback today. Once again, someone made a purchase from the website and decided to report the charge as unauthorized. It certainly irritates me and makes a mess of my account. Ultimately this person is going to be responsible for the charges, but it's created problems for me.

Anyhow, Bobby and I recorded the next episode this afternoon and afterwords I thought I would make some quick calls and make some additional appointments for the trades. I know better then to get on the phone when I am frazzled.

Raw_7So, Raw-7.

Raw-7 sweaters are made of the most luxurious, buttery soft, cashmere I've ever slid across my naked body. The amazing feel is only outdone by the rich colors and impressive designs which they are known for. They are also an expensive item with a high price point. The reason; consider that in order to produce one sweater it takes the yarn produced from 3-4 goats that can only be sheered once a year. Also, applying prints, especially detailed and multicolor prints, to these sweaters is a tricky matter and not easily or widely done.

So back to today. I'm calling Raw-7 to set up an appointment to discuss carrying the line at hibelu. So I get redirected and transfered several times. I'm distracted during the process. I've got e-mails coming in and I see one is from a musician who's agreed to provide some music for the show.

So I am connected with Ofer. I ask to speak to a rep and he tells me that he does everything. Do you think I just say okay and move along? No people, I just spent 90 minutes with Bobby doing a show where my role is to be a smartass. I'm still in cheeky, smartass mode. I respond something like, "well I'm sure I could debate that point with you, but I won't." Then I continue by asking to have an appointment. It's not until I'm halfway through the call I realize I'm speaking to Ofer Ashkenazy the designer.


For the record, he was very tolerant of my ignorance as I'm sure he came to the conclusion far earlier in the conversation that I was unaware of whom I was speaking to.  And by tolerant I mean he was extremely courteous and never gave the impression of annoyance. Kids, if you are going to carry a product you really need to remember the name of the designer before you end up on the phone with him. This is all I'm saying.

This experience to me is far worse then the wax.   

Weight Loss With Yoga

I received an e-mail from a reader asking me, "Will yoga help you drop weight?".


This is the disclaimer where I tell you that I am not professionally qualified in any way to answer this question. This is just my opinion and you should definitely consult a doctor with malpractice insurance for all serious health related questions. I should also mention that as far as yoga practitioners go, I'm just a notch above novice. Really I have a lot to learn myself. Again just my honest opinions, based on my experience.

To answer the question directly, I don't think yoga practice alone is a great vehicle for weight loss.

Here's my thing about weight loss. Firstly everything in moderation. But more importantly, the only way I have ever lost weight is when the amount of calories I ingest are fewer then the calories I burn. Really that's it.

So for anyone who wants to lose weight, the best way I know is to track your calories like a rabid dog looking for fresh meat. All this stuff about metabolism, carbs, low-fat, organic is just confusing and expensive. Even what is true about all of the dieting rhetoric is not that significant when it comes tho the basic rules of calories in vs. calories out. I'm a good example.

I just lost six pounds eating mostly foods with poor nutritional properties. The catch is that the total calories I ate were less then the calories I burned. There probably is some truth to regular exercise improving my metabolic rate, but that's just math and probably only contributes to a small percentage of actual weight loss.

So when it comes to yoga, it's very hard to gage calories burned for several reasons. The main reason is that there are many different styles of yoga. Some practices are very gentle other's are extremely intense. Also the amount of exertion is different each time. Some days I may really push the intensity other days, I may take it slow and even "sit out" during portions of the practice. An hour in a Yoga class could be somewhere between 300-800 calories I'm sure. So, yes if you are limiting your calorie intake and you goto yoga class 3 times a week, you will lose weight. But, If losing weight alone is your goal, I think it would be very inconsistant for you.

Now, I am definitely not saying don't try yoga. I'm just saying that as a primary way to lose weight, I can't recommend it. The person who posed this question also mentioned some knee problems. I myself have only about 30% of cartilage remaining in my left knee. I've had 3 ACL reconstructions and have been scoped two other times. So for me the options were limited to swimming, which is fun but inconvenient, stationary bike which I hate, and the elliptical cycle which I love. Prior to yoga, those were my choices.

Not long after starting a yoga program I discovered that I was able to start running again and now I have nearly 0 pain in my knee anymore. I think what happened is that the Hot Yoga program I'm in (Bikram Yoga) has strengthened the smaller muscle groups in my knees and ankles. That combined with the increased flexibility, now I can do more and have better options.

My advice to the person who posed the question is this.

  1. Track your calories like a neurotic nut job.
  2. Increase your calories burned by a form of exercise you can measure like gym machines. I doubt they are accurate, but will give you a good baseline.
  3. Try yoga. The benefits of yoga might make the difference with the above two points.

By the way, I got very lucky. The first yoga studio I went to turned out to be a great studio and perfect for me. But I'm sure all are not great or perfect for everyone. You may need to try a couple different styles or instructors before you find the right one for you.

I hope that is in someway helpful to someone somewhere.

Good Luck!


July 26, 2006

Planning for the trades.

Learning lots these days. The apparel industry is gearing up for the Spring/Summer 07 trade shows in Las Vegas at the end of August.

This is a big deal for me. Over the next couple of weeks I will be contacting showrooms and reps to discuss products that I'm interested in carrying for the store. The decisions I make next month will make or break my business. Up until now I've been carefully dipping my toes in the water. This is the real deal.

Some of my regular readers have been keenly aware of the stress I've been going through over the last 3 weeks or so. I've been quite grateful for the e-mails and skype messages. Thank you very much. ;) I'm not sure if I've ever said, but I have quite a few skype pals I chat with during the day, which is nice and keeps me from feeling so isolated working from home.

The sorce of the stress, a big part of it has to do with a large amount of financing I have been working to secure. Anyone who has secured financing for a business knows what I mean. There is a lot of scrutiny. Of coarse, there should be, after all I'm borrowing your money so to say. There is a lot of risk involved. While I have some protections, there is also a lot of personal risk. It makes choosing between cocoa brown and mist green seem overwhelming and more difficult then it should be.

The good news; the worst part is over and now I can breathe a little easier. There will be little emergencies over the next couple of weeks until the papers are signed. But I'm feeling that enormous relief is on the horizon.

In other good news. I stepped on the scale this morning and I've lost 6 pounds. It turns out my diet of chocolate fudge poptarts, sushi, and mint chocolate chip ice cream is working wonders.

BTW, I wanted to mention that if you enjoy well written posts, stop over at Thaed's Mental Interface. His topics are always fresh and if you read a ton of blogs like I do, it's a nice change. Thaed is the host of the Friday Night Party Line podcast. He was kind enough to have me as a guest on a handful of the shows. He's working on a book right now so the podcast is on hold. I loved doing the shows and really miss it. Say hello for me while your there. :)

Have a Good Day Everybody. 

July 25, 2006

Time Saving Time Wasters - Things to do this Summer.

Looking at my calender for August, I see that I will be doing quite a lot of travel. It prompted me to make a summer to-do list so I don't find myself shoveling my steps in December thinking about the things I wished I would have done this summer.

It also gave me the idea for this post. So here is a list of sites to help you with your summer to-do lists.

  1. Take a trip. Short on funds and can't afford a high priced hotel. Register at for a cheap place to stay almost anywhere in the world.
  2. Learn to play the drums. Ever wanted to rock the drum-kit? This site will make all of your rock band dreams come true.
  3. Change your hairstyle. Here are some ideas. Better check here too.
  4. Make a difference. Educate yourself.
  5. Take some photos. Enter the Hey Hot Shot photo contest.
  6. See a Movie. About a psychotic homicidal panda bear.
  7. Build a bridge. Out of pennies.
  8. Learn the customs of another culture. By watching funny Japanese videos. I highly recommend Razer Ramon - Hard Gay.
  9. Sit back, relax, and watch time fly by.
  10. Fly a Flag

Also ... Remember to sign my guestbook!

July 24, 2006

The Lake House

Lake_houseLast Night I went to see the film The Lake House with my friend. The experience was night and day from my trip to the movies the week before. Granted we were not going to see the blockbuster hit of the summer, but hardley anyone was at the theater today.

The story is set in Chicago, which is where my friend is from, so she enjoyed the scenery and I think it made her a little homesick. It definitely qualifies as a chick flick primarily because of the story content and you probably will shed a tear or two if you're prone to doing that. Which I am, so I did. One of the things I noticed about this film is that the characters actually had character. It seems like films rarely ever take the time to develop characters anymore. It's Sandra Bullock and Keaneu Reeves, but only one time was I ever thinking SPEED and that was mainly a visual thing at the end of the movie.

If you are a fan of architecture, you are likely to enjoy the side story and cinematography. I'm guessing the Lake House was based on another book I have not read. There is also some mystery to the movie, which is why I am a terrible movie date. I am always making predictions about what I think is going to happen next.

For the guys, I should mention that this is not the kind of chick flick that will necessarily win you points with your girl unless you really are the love of her life. If that aspect of your relationship is unclear, you may want to avoid this movie. Especially if you have any reason to think that your date is still carrying a flame for someone else.

July 23, 2006

Brazilian Wax All Up In My Business

UPDATE: Holy moly people! I am sitting here LMAO at some of the comments/e-mail I've gotten over this post. People really seem to want to talk about the hairless whooha..

Seriously though, it's my personal blog and from my point of view this is a significant thing that I experienced this past week. I've gotten some serious inquiries from others considering doing this and some funny stories from people who have also had it done.

But do I have to ask anyone to not be vulgar? Really? If you're a guy, or even a girl for that matter, and you really want to share a story about your sexual experience with the Brazilian wax... GREAT! blog about it on your blog and feel free to link it in the comments. But please don't leave it in my comments. I hate editing comments, but for real people.

Yes, BTW, I realize as I say this my SitePal is possessed by Monica simulating a orgasm. There is funny and there is vulgar.... I decide the difference.

LanaissancedevenusLast week on the podcast I asked Bobby for his opinion on the Brazilian wax. There was some interest in the subject and some talk in the show forums about waxing and "manscaping".

So take a moment to snicker about the subject. Go ahead and get it out of your system because I'm about to talk about waxing my privates.

Have all the children left? This is serious stuff. At least I take the application of hot wax to my pubic region seriously.

Ok first let's define the Brazilian wax. When I say Brazilian wax I mean complete wax of the entire bikini area. All hair the hair removed.. gone. That's what I mean. Here's the wiki if you're still not sure. 

So last week I experienced the Brazilian wax for myself. I want to mention that I've had the traditional bikini wax, with the landing strip, many a time. My own esthetician does not offer the Brazilian so I went to a waxing studio that specializes in all sorts of hair removal. Actually, the Brazilian wax is illegal to preform in several countries.

Here's how it went down. A very sweet British girl takes me back to a private room. She's very nice, the overall feel is serene. I was given a string g-string which was really just a string. With the normal bikini wax I usually get a disposable panty that the esthetician pushes around as needed. I looked at the host and said, "really?". She told me most people don't ever wear it, but they have to offer. Mary Poppins leaves, I look at the string and decide not to bother.

Okay so I lay on the table and the woman I will refer to as "The Baroness" enters the room. The Baroness lifts the drape I was given to cover up with while waiting and sort of sneers, "first time". I tell her that I've had bikini waxes before just not the full Brazilian. "First Time," she says again. I feel like I'm in fourth grade and I didn't do my homework. Which is ridiculous. For the record, I keep things tidy. I'm not like a 70's basketball player down there, as Bobby would say.

So the Baroness has me bring my knees up to my chest then separate my knees. She runs an antibacterial wipe all around and uses a piece of cardboard to fan dry the area. Then the Baroness powders everything. This is the end of the pleasantries. This is where people stop being polite and start getting real.

I'm fairly certain that the person who coined the phrase, "all up in my business" was talking about the Brazilian wax. So there's about 5 minutes of the actual waxing associated with hair removal going on. My crotch is on fire. But no, the Baroness is a thorough gal and the tweezing begins. So after having what feels like a sandpaper massage to the genitals, the baroness is now picking at me like a woodpecker on a tree. There was some brief cooling when she applied a cooling oil.

So three days later and the fire is out and if your wondering do I like it? Ya I have to say I like it. I'll not go into details. But it's good, real good, and I'll do it again. My point in all of this I guess, is that all of the hype is true. Yes it really really really hurts. But it doesn't matter because it's worth it.

July 21, 2006

Podcast is up and I am out.

Just wanted to do a quick post before I disappear for the weekend. Episode 4 of the podcast is up. A Relatively pain free edit this time, though we are still having a little noise issue with the sound. We are looking into options outside of skype since that seems to be the problem.

Anyhow, I'm going to the condo this weekend to escape the heat. I'll have my laptop so I'll not be completely unplugged, but away to some degree.

I'm loving the new guestbook. If you have not signed in, please do and remember to leave your link.

So.... Have a Great Weekend Everyone!

Be My Guest

This week I've been reading several blogs and it occurred to me that there are quite a few I read on a regular basis but never comment on. The main reason I never comment has mostly to do with the fact that I have nothing intelligent to say. Occasionally I will leave a comment that says something like, "Hey just wanted to say hello, love your blog."

Anyhow, I just added a guestbook to AYCO. It's on the top left sidebar. Please take a moment to say hello and sign the book. Especially if you are someone who has read this blog, but like me, has never had any reason to comment. I'd love to hear from you.

Also don't forget to leave your link.

July 20, 2006

Ethical Hmmm

Last night while at the gym I got a call from a former client. Yes, Virginia I do take my treo with me on the elliptical cycle.

I've mentioned before that prior to operating my online store, I was a consultant. I have a unique background in kinesics and a large number of my accounts were with various attorneys who employed me to assist with Voir Dire. For those who have not had the pleasure of watching our justice system in action, Voir Dire is jury selection. To simplify, I would assist my clients by helping them to select jurors that I felt would lean in their clients favor. I did this by interpreting nonverbal communication (body language, oculesics) and paralanguage (non verbal cues, vocal mannerisms, tonality and such).

You might think that my ethical dilemma would have something to do with the fact that many times the clients who were benefiting from my expertise were either guilty or liable or both. Actually that's more of a moral dilemma. But the BIGGER dilemma is always an ethical one. When I am making recommendations, ethically I must do my best for my client. But it would be very easy to make bad recommendations.

The thing I've learned is this. There are exceptions and yes people are considered innocent until proved guilty. However most cases that make it to trial take the long road to get there, meaning that there is often some merit to the case... In most cases ;).

I was asked to consult on a criminal case. I haven't given my answer, but I will be seriously thinking it over.

July 19, 2006

Skinny Dipping, Strip Poker, and Other Naked Games

Naked_yoga As hot as it's been it's no wonder I've been having clothing optional thoughts lately. I've actually never been skinny dipping. But it sounds like it might be a good idea. It got me thinking about all of the things you can do without clothing. Things that don't directly involve sex.

So let's see.

Here is my list of 10 things to do Naked (not sex)

  1. Naked_golf Skinny Dipping
  2. Naked Golf
  3. Strip Poker
  4. Your Laundry
  5. Podcasting
  6. Nude Knitting
  7. Yoga
  8. Decorate a Cake
  9. Jello Wrestling
  10. Run Through Sprinklers

Conversely 10 things you should not do naked

  1. Bacon Fry Bacon
  2. Decorate your Christmas Tree
  3. Eat Dry Shredded Wheat
  4. Mow Lawn
  5. BBQ
  6. Karaoke
  7. Bowling
  8. Prune Roses
  9. Change a Lightbulb
  10. Skateboarding

July 17, 2006

Oxygen Suckers

Sunday I met my friend Amy to see a movie. My friends and I are all about getting things done. We are doer's. We do things, we do lots of things, and we get things done. But I'm repeating myself. If there's one thing doer's don't like, it's oxygen suckers or maybe they are donothinger's or maybe takeforverertodoer's. Whatever they are called they irritate me. Now I usually hold back on the rants here at AYCO. Maybe Bobby is rubbing off on me. And if he is reading this he's laughing at that last sentence. But it is integral to the story so I have to tell you about these girls.

The movie theater we go to is a huge 24 theater multiplex. On a hot Sunday afternoon, we knew it would be busy. So my friend and I met 30 minutes before the movie. Forgot to mention, we were seeing The Devil Wears Prada. Anyway, long lines at both the ticket windows and the self serve ticket machines. I spot Amy and we pick a ticket machine and hop in line.

We are behind oxygen suckers. As part of their oxygen sucking attributes, these girls  are talking... talking much. Talking so much that you can tell they are oblivious to their surroundings. Now I'm all for talking, I do it all the time. I'm also for free speech, so say what you like. But if you are a new mommy and you are an oxygen sucker talking openly and very loudly about the stitches in you vagina bothering you, just know I may blog about that.

The line is moving slowly. I'm reading Amy's mind and we are both looking around. We are thinking these girls are going to be trouble. All of the lines are long and we are both wondering should we get out of the line we are in or just wait and see. We wait. Vaginal Stitches is now going on about her lactation problems and the size of her areolas. I considered briefly describing to Amy, in detail, the hot sex I had the night before. Just to give the suckers something to listen to, vs. talking. However, Amy just broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years, so that conversation was not an option. We are now running late the movie starts in about 5 minutes.

Okay, line moves and oxygen suckers are up. The first girl, the short quiet one steps up to the machine and buys her ticket. I'm suspicious that shorty is not actually an oxygen sucker, just has oxygen sucker friends. The next oxygen sucker buys her ticket after giggling "hehehe I almost pushed Davinci code... heheheh... I would have had to go to a different movie heheheh." Obviously these girls are not close enough that one person is willing to treat the others. Vaginal Stitches steps up... selects her movie... I notice they are also going to see The Devil Wears Prada.. Wonderful. I thought for sure they were going to see, You, Me & Dupree. Oh well, they are almost done (almost = foreshadowing that they are not almost done).

Vaginal Stitches swipes her card. No worky. She swipes her card again. The machine doesn't like it, cancels the transaction. She does this three times, two card swipes each round. Amy and I are thinking the same thing... Would one of you oxygen suckers please buy your friends ticket before we have to do it for you. Giggles-a-lot steps up and tries to buy the ticket, her card does not work now.

I'm thinking the F-Word... VS of the OS just broke the GD machine, WTF.

Shorty steps up without saying a word, swipes her card... processing... wait... tickets pop out. Thank gawd. Now I know shorty is not an Oxygen Sucker.

I buy tickets for Amy and I ... we are friends it's no big deal... geeze I've bummed tampons from the girl it's the least I can do.

We get to the theater just as the movie is starting... No seats. When I say no seats I mean no seats that anyone would want to sit in. We take two of the last three seats in the front row. THE FRONT ROW!

The OS girls plus shorty (not a true OS) enter the theater. Are you really surprised that Amy and I made it to our seats first?

GAL: hehehehe there are no seats... hehehee... What should we do... hehehheh maybe we SHOULD have seen Davinci Code. (apparently that is the movie she really wanted to see)

VS: OMG I can't believe this... let's find the manager.

Shorty: (sits down next to me)


Movie starts... I am leaning back in my seat as far as I can.

30 seconds later...

Headache starts... I am sitting entirely still. Moving my head makes motion sickness set in.

Why do they even have these seats? Who likes sitting in these seats? The theater owner is an ass.

The movie, by the way, I really liked. There is a scene where Andy tells Christian, "I'm not your baby". That whole scene was stolen from my actual life. I need to be more careful about what I tell people in airports, because it eventually ends up on the big screen.

July 16, 2006 is about to make my life easier.

I've been wondering what to do with my messy unorganized links for some time now. I noticed someone entering AYCO through a link via tonight. I had heard of but I'm slow to sign up for services like this. I think technocrati offers something similar. But also, I hate installing new things on my toolbar. If it wasn't for my 20" monitor, I doubt I would be able to get away with the 6 bars I'm working with now.

Anyway, typepad has some quick install options for and I think what I want to do is add a tagroll and a linkroll. This will make it so much easier to add and manage links. As it is now I am constantly behind trying to keep everything updated. If you are a del.ic.ious user and have any advice I'd love to hear it. I'll be setting the new links up over the next couple of days. It will be a little work up front, but should be a big time saver in the future.

July 15, 2006

Feeling Better, Podcast Up

Thanks for the e-mails and comments over the last couple of days. I am feeling much better. I'm not sure at this point if I am going to attempt a New York trip I have planned for next week. I think I'll wait out the weekend to see how I feel. I've been taking it easy and have not gotten much done over the last 3 days so that may factor in to my decision to leave my business for another 3 days.

I'm glad to say I did get Episode 3 up tonight. The show is really beginning to deliver on it's title... Based on Experience. Some fun topics but we also get into some more serious subjects during this show. For those who have been listening to the shows, thanks so much. It's such a time consuming thing and seeing the number of downloads, knowing people are listening means a lot and keeps us going. If you haven't heard the show yet, give it a try. We have fun doing it and hope you will enjoy listening.

Have a Great Weekend!

July 14, 2006

I'm Hawesome I Guess

Last night Bobby and I recorded the next installment of Based On. After recording there were some technical difficulties and we believed that I lost the entire recording.... meaning no show.

I recovered it from the depths of my computer all by myself with no help from anyone. (Having a proud moment) I have come a long way with this computer thingy.

Anyway, Bobby congratulated me by sending me this video his friend did up. I didn't find it funny until after the first 90 seconds or so... then I couldn't not laugh. Maybe someone can explain why this is funny to me... it takes a second to load, so wait for it.

July 13, 2006

Lack of Sleep May Cause Death

At least I think you could die. I have only been getting between 4-6 hours of sleep for the past couple of weeks. Contrary to my belief that I am Super Girl (the heterosexual one... if you don't know why I qualify that.... you don't know and just forget I said that). I am not.

Last night I went to a CP2 yoga class. This is not yo mama's yoga class. It is a high intensity workout done in a heated room. The entire time I was achy and even felt faint during inversions. When I got home I puked my guts out. Seriously I think I lost a kidney. It was very bad. My temperature shot up to 105 at one point and I sat in a cold bath just to bring my temp down. This was followed by a very long night of sweaty, achy, God kill me now moments.

ExcorAt about 3AM I called my ex, who is and has been my physician for many years. He came by early this morning to check on me. I gave him the rundown on my sleeping habits and he basically told me I'm killing myself. He told me about fatal familial insomnia, which apparently can kill you. I wikied it this morning. I don't have it and clearly he just said this to prove his point that people have actually died from insomnia. In his defense I was not very lovely when he arrived and I'm sure he just wants me to slow things down. Which I do need to do.

He did tell me that any other physician would have tried to prescribe me anti-depression meds because that is usually the underlying cause of chronic insomnia. Instead he knows that I have a tendency to forget my own physical limitations. So the doctor has prescribed me Lunesta, you know the ad with the butterfly.. or is it the tooth fairy, maybe Tinkerbell anyway and I now have a 10PM curfew and must get 8 hours of sleep for the next 14 days. I still have the fever and he believes I have some common viral infection that should pass within the next day or so.

So after I finish up a few things on-line... I'm going back to bed. Sorry but I'm not even going to proof read this.

July 12, 2006

Timesaving Time Wasters

15 ways to waste time today without wasting time finding things to waste your time. I'm trying to be helpful here.

  1. Roadtrip
  2. Skaters
  3. The End of the World
  4. Start Wearing Purple
  5. Pick A Better Photo
  6. 50 Worst Ways to Die
  7. Will give me nightmares takes a while to load.
  8. Everyday Fashion for Everyday Men
  9. Mad Cow
  10. Pirate Tech
  11. Lama Song
  12. Office Slang
  13. Zen Sarcasm
  14. Penquin Bludger
  15. The best thing on this list

July 11, 2006

Chain Letter Panties

Honey_dewsTonight during my bunko group I was asked to essentially save the date for a panty chain letter that I should be receiving in the mail.

Basically if you've never been in a panty chain, it's about the coolest thing ever. Unlike a regular chain letter it's actually awesome to be invited into the chain. Basically you will have to purchase one panty that you send and you will receive 36 pairs of panties in the mail. I've done this twice before and everyone really goes all out. I got panties from all over the world in rainbows of colors. I got super soft seamless basics, some seriously wild Brazilian silk side ties and even a black cashmere bikini panty.

I don't know what the consequences are of failing to respond to a panty chain letter. I can only imagine.

July 10, 2006

It's a total copout... but here's what's in my shower

Podcasting is like blogging on speed with a lit firecracker under your ass.

Episode 2 of Based on Experience is up. I am happy to say that it includes a SWEET intro done by Marlon Gibbons and the sound is WAY improved. Which is impressive because a portion of it is recorded over a cell phone in a busy Las Vegas casino. Please have a listen. Marlon's intro is worth hearing all by itself.

I am exhausted an hope you don't mind the cop-out. Maybe you've seen the popular meme... What's in my bag?... Well this is...

What's in my shower?


July 09, 2006

Travis Aaron Wade - A Tall Glass of That

Things here at AYCO have been a little too heavy these days so I'm making a concerted effort to post only silly and lighthearted things this week.

So here's my pick for the next big thing.


This is Travis Aaron Wade. He's a former Marine turned actor and those... I think... are bedroom eyes.

July 08, 2006

Loose Shaggy Ends

Some quick announcements. I was a guest on FNPL again last night. I took a lot of grief on the show, but had a great time. FNPL has developed into a really great podcast and I think it's safe to say the show has found its legs. I'm very grateful to Thaed for having me on the show even if he does exploit my affinity for Scott of Geeknights.

It's Michael's Birthday today. Stop in and wish him a happy one for some Karma bucks you can use later. He's been cheering me on the past couple of weeks and has helped me reflect on what I'm about to blog about.

I wondered if it would be right to blog this, but really it's appropriate. A nice way to tie up loose ends. I will be vague, I'm not out to embarrass or out anyone. So here's the thing.

There is one person in particular I have been especially empathetic to. I have even gone overboard in support of this person. Which I don't think is wrong in itself, goes along with what I said earlier about being fearless.

Recently this person emailed me about an exciting prospect they had. I want very much to be happy for this person. I do. However the truth is, this person who never initiates communication with me suddenly e-mails me (and likely others) to share some great news and eludes to the fact that they may need help/support.

Lsh_2I'm probably not explaining enough here to get anyone on board with my frustration. But basically this has always been a one way street. This person has had an opportunity to get to know me over nearly a year and I doubt knows/cares about what I'm up to or shows any genuine interest in my life. My gut feeling is that they are just desperate with desire and they can't see the forest for the trees anymore. But more and more I think they may not be the person I hoped. Which makes me sad.

It's time for me to stop feeding the monster.

July 07, 2006

Huge Poker Players - Huge Hearts

My Podcast co-host Bobby may be a little rough around the edges. But when he tells me he's got huge junk, I always think he means his heart.

Poker Pro's Donate Items for Charity Auction

Bobby and his Pro Poker buddies have been raising money for a little girl named Peyton who's mother Natasha died of ovarian cancer earlier this year. Bobby says it best in his blog If you would like to help by placing a banner on your blog, email me at kelly-at-hibelu-dot-com.

Thanks for your time everyone and have a great weekend!

July 06, 2006

This is gonna get deep... Take that however you want.


This picture looks a lot like the view from my window right now. It also fits my mood. I forget sometimes that I function differently then most people I know. I don't profess to be a zen master or a master of anything. I won't be receiving any humanitarian of the year awards. This is clear from my last post. But I need to share this.

A little less than a year ago something happened in my life and I started to look at the world differently. I was a confident and Strong person, but disappointed with my life. So I took some time to rethink it all.

I am going to die. Everyone is going to die. Chances are the things I do in my lifetime will not be remembered by anyone. So I decided to stop living my life in fear. I decided to be fearless. Not only to stop fearing what others thought of me but mainly to stop being afraid of what I would think of myself.

I stopped being afraid of making bad decisions. I stopped being critical of my own thinking. On purpose, I set bad ideas into action just to see where they end up. I don't fear disappointment or failure, or being criticized.

It's more then just not being afraid of what others think, it's more about not being afraid of what I think about myself. We truly are our own worst enemy. You know the saying to live everyday as if it's your last. I live every day as if I didn't exist.

I swear I have not been smoking anything. Really.

So many people that I care for are struggling. It's not as simple as telling them not to be afraid. I just know that so much of our pain has more to do with our fear then our actual suffering.

Kelly is a Rebel With a Cause (or two)

Bad_kellyI'm back and can't believe I missed all that German beer in Kelly's fridge! But 4 cases of it? Wow! And to think I thought it was just apple juice. Go figure.

And after reading what Kelly was up to this past weekend I guess I shoulda knew she'd have tons of beer stashed in the back of her fridge behind the 10 gallons of milk. Seems our innocent yoga loving gal is a bit of a rebel. Bad gurl! Bad!

Now, where is all that chocolate I know she has hidden around here?

July 05, 2006


Patio_2I hope everyone had a great 4th of July. I have to admit I had more then a good time. I spent the weekend with my friend Lisa, her husband, brother and a couple of his friends. We did a whole lot of nothing. Lounging about on the patio of Lisa's parents 8 bedroom mountain retreat. Pretty comfortable, I must say.

We got into a little trouble. On Monday we all went into town for dinner at a brewery. I don't say the name because I'm not entirely sure we paid all of our tab. Anyway, Lisa is newly pregnant so after eating she and her husband left early and her brother, his friends and I remained. I ran into some old friends who were locals They joined us and everything was copacetic at first. As the night wore on everyone got quite intoxicated. I am a serious lightweight, so anything past two beers is pushing my luck. Well inevitably when one girl is in the company of 6 men who have all been drinking.. and it should be noted that 1:6 is a really good ratio for a ski area even during a holiday weekend.. testosterone surges. One of my old acquaintances very loudly asked me what I was doing hanging around with a couple of gapers. Gapers = looky loos, tourists, tourons. So I guess boys will be boys and there was a small fist fight in the parking lot.

I was hysterical and laughing the entire time. If I hadn't stopped in to the powder room just before this happened, I would have peed myself. Why you say. Because just one day after I turned 32 I was feeling very old. That was until I watched grown men fighting to impress me. It was the best medicine I could have received. I know it sounds primal, but you had to be there. Nothing will make you feel young again like a parking lot brawl.

Lisa's brother and I walked away and once the others noticed I left they ended it. We took the shuttle back to Keystone. No one could drive and the shuttle didn't go back to Lisa's house so we decided to go to my condo for the night. Plus I'm pretty sure no one wanted to fess up to Lisa about what happened.

When we got back to my place, hunger set in for everyone. I had nothing to eat. I forgot my owners closet key. I could have called the night manager. But I knew him personally and did not want to involve him in my drunken evening. Plus at the time I didn't know the severity of the boy's crimes. Which turned out to be no big deal but I wasn't in any condition to evaluate the situation accurately.

Macgyver_1This my friends, is where I expect all reading to be very impressed with my skills. During my time as an investigator, I like all good detectives took pleasure in learning the fine art of picking locks. I am very proficient at it. And as luck would have it, I kept my kit in my car, because sometimes I think I am Macgyver. Despite my intoxication, I was able to pick the lock in just a few seconds. What would we find?

A 12 pack of raman noodles and case of very old Powerade. We left the Powerade alone and cooked the 12 packages of Raman.

The next day when we told Lisa what happened. She called us all idiots and was thoroughly unimpressed.

That kind of Cave Man behavior can't help but make a girl think she's still got it. ;)

July 04, 2006

Let's See What's in the Fridge


Quiet, it's only me, Billy Boy. Please don't make a sound!

I thought  I'd sneak in while Kelly's asleep and raid the fridge. I'm soooo starving. Okay, lets see what she has in there.

Hmmm...what do we have here? Um, is this sushi? Or is this an apple? Ah nutz, I give up. Wait...wait...what's this I think I see?

Whaaaaat? No beer? Noooooooo! Oh crimey, looks like I'd better go on a beer run before she wakes up. Remember, you saw nutin. 

My Favorite Cousin and July 4th Memories

Es_weddingBack when I was nine, I idolized my cousin Marlene (not her real name but close). Marlene was the coolest. She lived by the new mall and had lots of cool friends with names like Skipper and Noe. They had cable AND Atari. She played soccer and went to Jr. High school. I had numerous sleep overs at her house. I'm sure I drove her family nuts. Especially her older brother.

One of my favorite things to do at her house was sneak into her brothers room and go through his stuff. After all I grew up as an only child for the most part and I was under the notion that you were supposed to be a pain to an older brother. Once he had a shot glass filled with Cinnamon oil sitting on his desk. He used the oil for making cinnamon toothpicks... that he would never share with me or Marlene. I don't remember doing it, if it was an accident or not. But I was responsible for spilling the oil in his room. After he found out what I did, I truly thought that I was going to be killed.

I was so scared that I hid in the laundry room for hours. I had seen him and Marlene go at it before. It was vicious. Once I witnessed Marlene throw a butcher knife at him. I'm sure you are thinking that my cousins were trailer trash living down by the river, but actually this all happened in a very unassuming house in an upscale neighborhood. She missed, by the way.

Whenever I think of the 4th of July I remember a party at Marlene's house. My entire family was there, which is somewhere in the neighborhood 50-60 plus assorted neighbors and their kids. It was the sort of 4th of July where you just play all day long, taking occasional breaks to look at all of the fireworks that you've been told you can look at but not touch.

When the sky got dark, sparklers were distributed. Sparklers, after all, are foreplay for the real fireworks. Whoever had the punk, was in control of the show. This particular year I was inside the house and heard the first fireworks howling in the back yard. I went running out the back sliding glass door to see what I was missing and forgot to open the screen. I took out the screen and crashed down on top of it. The firework show was briefly interrupted by the Kelly show. The damage, other than to the broken screen, came in the form of hash-mark abrasions to my nose. A very embarrassing and telling badge of my enthusiasm.

Dates_weddingWhen Marlene turned 16 she went the way of all great older cousins. She got a car and I didn't see her much after that. Occasionally we would see each other at weddings like the one here. I am the blond in the white dress. I was about 20. I thought it also fair to include this photo of her brother Warren (also not his real name but close) from the same wedding. He turned out to be very cool and did not seem to hold ill will against me. He's the one with the tie around his head. So I think of Marlene and Warren every July Fourth.

Happy Fourth of July and watch out for those screen doors.

July 02, 2006

It's Party Time!

Woohoo! Kelly's gone and I have the whole place to myself. It sure seems like a Kellyhello_3nice place. It even smells nice too.

Hmmm...I wonder if she'd mind if I had a party? Just a few friends. Maybe some beer. Hey, maybe I can even bring out the Twister game.

It's nice to get away from The Chronicles for a change. I think I will stay here awhile and see what kind of trouble I can get into. Now let's see, where does Kelly keep her undies!

Seriously though, thank you Kelly for allowing little ole' me, Billy Boy, to guest blog at your place while you're away. I just hope I don't scare everyone away!

More Down Time

It's 3 AM and I should be fast asleep but now that I'm in the habit of writing something everyday it felt weird to not blog something. I spent Saturday doing some redesign to the store and I will still need to finish a few things later today which is kind of pathetic but it has to be done.

I spoke to Kris, we've been playing phone tag for the last couple of weeks. He let me know that he reached his fund raising goal for the MS bike ride and is ready to go next weekend. Thank you again to everyone who made a donation. It was good to finally speak with him and put a voice to the face. Turns out he's a sushi fan so we're hoping to get together sometime this month to grab a bite.

Traffic up to the condo was as bad as I thought it would be. Seems like everyone had the same idea to miss the Friday night rush by coming up tonight. I was a little disappointed to find rotten milk and shriveled oranges in the refrigerator when I got here. Housekeeping is suppose to remove those things. It wasn't a big deal but I think I've mentioned before that I'm paying a lot and feel like I'm getting very little. It's nice being here though.

I spoke to Lisa and I'm going to pick her up at the Eagle airport tomorrow. Her husband is already here. She told me her Dad is not feeling well and her parents may leave in the morning before she arrives, so he is going to drive them down and meet us later. I really really need the down time. All of this podcasting, late hours, and correspondence has been taking a toll. My energy is super low lately and I'm just feeling so blah. I am really going to try not to crack open my laptop while I'm here unless it is completely necessary.

July 01, 2006

Podcasting Zombie Announces Based On

Zombie_1 If podcasting catches on there will be a zombie problem in this world of ours. Doing a podcast was something I've been wanting to do, but in the future. Like next year future. I don't mean like next year 2007, I mean... always next year, as in... to infinity. But a turn of events has put me here today to say, "I Have a Podcast." It's called Based On Experience or Based Podcast if you like. While I have been coy, I have not really officially disclosed the fact that my co-host on the show is Bobby Bracelet of the MyTGOD blog.

How it all went down.

A couple of months ago I came across a blog titled Based on Experience. I commented on a post where the author (Bobby) recounts the night he almost had a three-way with two girls he lovingly dubbed Snaggletooth and Wart Tongue. I would refer you to the actual post, but it no longer exists. I'm jumping ahead of myself.

Girl_zombie_1Bobby responded to my comment and in turn commented here following proper blogger etiquette. We began e-mailing each other and we discovered that we crack ourselves up. I asked Bobby to guest post and as a result I am forever indebted to him for the 10 or so hits a day I receive for "Women are Retarded". Thanks Bobby!

At about that same time, Bobby was under scrutiny where he worked because a fellow coworker was offended by his blog, even though it was written under an alias and never mentioned his place of employment in any way. We had a couple of phone conversations and without giving it much thought I asked him if he would be interested in doing a podcast with me. He, to my surprise said sure.

So after only two weeks we have figured out how to make a podcast. Now we just need to learn how to make a podcast good. This first episode is bare bones, the sound is terrible, no music yet (but coming soon). But I'm proud of it. Even if I am sporting the zombie look bacause of it. Listen, subscribe, and visit our website.