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July 30, 2006

G-35

G35 I think I may have stumbled upon something never before discovered.  See, I was working in the science lab I set up in my basement when it happened.  I know you're thinking to yourself, "self, why does this guy have a science lab in his basement?" or maybe even, "self, doesn't he live in an apartment?  Those don't normally have basements do they?"

Easy Spanky, it's called making stuff up to fit the story.

Anyhow, I had my beakers bubbling, a couple of those bunson burners blazing, and various scales and metal contraptions strewn about when it happened.

I isolated a new gene.

Preliminary testing had proven it to be found only in females.  To make things even more odd, each gene would lay dormant for many years before activating.  I chained a few ladies to the stairway in my basement and tested them everyday.  Besides finding out that holding people against their will is like a second job, I also found out that the gene activated on each woman's 35th birthday.

The first thing I did was name my new discovery Gene 35, and immediately call Inventech.  I was 3 days too late with my improvement patent for Chia Pets and a little over a month too slow to patent my tube that cooks pasta (Damn you Pasta Express.  Damn you to hell!) so I was covering all of my bases on this one.  Ron Popeil was not f'ing me out of this one like he did my idea to cook whole chickens in a toaster oven.

So you're probably already thinking that this is all b.s. but you'd be wrong.  Many man-hours (love that term) went into this discovery and I have plenty of supporting data to prove exactly what G-35 is, why it is only found in women, and also how fast you can cook a hotdog with a bunson burner.  Hmmm, bunson dogs....

It didn't all happen at once.  Linking the gene to it's actions on the body was going to be more difficult.  I got lucky though, and stumbled upon something that really jumpstarted my findings.  It all started because of something every old female teacher of mine used to do.

I know you had a teacher who would do the same thing, which I know now was really just our teachers exhibiting traits of G-35 influence. Licking their thumb to help hand out papers.  Every single page ever handed to you came packaged with a big ol' saliva mark on the corner. Those teachers were unable to hand out anything without licking their finger or thumb first. It was like some weird epidemic.

I call it "Juicing-Up".

I had always thought that "Juicing-Up" was predominantly a female problem, like Bitchiness or Ridiculousness, and my research has proven this to be true.  Moreover, it is hardly ever a woman aged less than 35 years old and certainly it's a very rare woman (I call these very rare women freaks) who has this compulsion but has yet to reach 35 years of age. 

Think about it.  You know your grandmother does it.  You've probably seen your mom do it, and damn if every female teacher you've ever had in school didn't do it as well. In fact, if you haven't experienced a returned assignement with a saliva stamp in one corner I'd have to call you a communist and ask you to leave our country because I'd be inclined to believe you were lying.

Anyways, this was just the first in a series of discoveries that allowed me to map G-35 and really pinpoint what it does to your average female subject.  I'll skip the mumbo jumbo and just get to the facts.

So when Gene 35 is activated it does numerous things. One of the things that it does in almost every case, is unleash a compulsion within the female subject to cut her hair short. Long hair will not feel right anymore, and women will cut their hair into a length only capable of fashioning into "working mother" looks.

Another problem with G-35 is the new inability for the subject to dress cute or sexy any longer.  G-35 triggers a cautious, almost burka-like approach to dressing.  Sensible, man-ish, and sometimes characterized as "something my grandma would wear" becomes the order of the day.

Another possible effect is the mental switch a subject makes from believing they need to lose a few pounds to believing that a "natural" body is sexy. The more extreme cases can be seen on shows like Jerry Springer, while the less obvious cases are just that, less obvious.

(Note: By natural I mean fat)

So with amazement in my eyes I watched a subject of mine Juice-Up her thumb before separating a few sheets of papers I asked to be handed down to each woman chained to my staircase.  Of course I did what any good scientist who has studied this disease for decades would do, I started making fun of her and calling her Grandma.   

She is only 25 and has hair that doesn't reach her chin. I told her she has maybe 1, maybe 2 good years left before G-35 takes complete control. She is a rare case. The G-35 is strong in this one.

Don't think it can't happen to you. Very few women can avoid it's death grip. I know you think it won't happen to you.  That you'll always dress cute and sexy, that you will never cut your hair short because you love your hair, or that you'll never be that old lady Juicing-Up just to flip through her mail, but it will happen. 

With that I should shut up. I don't want some hack who doesn't know a thing about the human body to get too much information from me before it all makes it into a respected journal.

(Don't worry, Kelly will be back tomorrow)

Comments

as a woman under 35, this is my worst nightmare. must go out and buy more sexy clothes.

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