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July 29, 2006

Decisions, Decisions...

Eye As I try mightily to remember what day it is, my mind begins to wander.  I don't have to report to work for almost two months and though I have some stuff I need to accomplish before then, I've been given way too much time to do it.  Nothing beats waking up with nothing to do and having to open up the guide on your television to see what the time, day, and date is.

You may be asking yourself, "But Bobby, what types of things does your mind wander towards?"

Assuming I heard your fictional thought of a question, I would probably answer thusly...

Generally porn.

Porn moves.  Porn actors and actresses.  Porn pros.  Porn cons.

But sometimes even a highly trained, efficient, world class mpeg chaser like myself has to take a break.  No man can go 24/7.  If someone tries to ever claim otherwise, declare Shenanigans and call your local authorities.

So during these brief moments away from fake moaning and faker breasts, I let my mind go wherever it may.  I don't know where it will drift off towards, but I can usually guarantee one thing.  It spends way too much time there.

Example?  Why it's your lucky day!

If rocks get spit up into my windshield at 300mph while I'm just minding my business driving along, has there ever been an unlucky hitchhiker slowly meandering his way towards Tupelo who got spiked in the forehead with a granite fastball?

Or worse yet, hit in the eye?

Let's say you get drunk on Mad Dog 20/20 and make a bet with some crazy dude at a bar. You were drinking the lemon lime flavor, feeling pretty good, and this shmuck has the audacity to think the Detroit Lions aren't going to win the super bowl this year.  You bet his Camaro against one of your eyes because (A) you can't lose, the Lions are a lock, (B) you're so drunk hardly realize what you're doing, and (C) who doesn't want a freaking Camaro?.

So the crazy bastard comes to settle his debt after the Detroit Lions finish their 90th consecutive season below .500.  You're a man of your word.  What eye do you let him gouge out?

OK, so maybe you just lose an eye for some plausible reason, but you can choose which one. Right or left?

C'mon, which is it?

It's not a very easy decision. You have to take lots of stuff into consideration. For instance, when you are putting the moves on a lady friend, you want to be able to see her while implementing your go-to move, right?. If you're a golfer, keeping your left eye would help ensure you keep your head down thru the swing. What about falling asleep watching TV? You need to keep the eye that allows you to lay on your favorite side of the bed and still see the boob tube easily.

And would you go with an eye patch, or a glass eye?

If you go with an eye patch you better be ready to learn how to correctly yell "Arghhh" like a pirate, cause every jackass that walks up to you will probably make some lame pirate joke.

If you go with the glass eye you probably need to buy like, 10 of them, all in varying states of awareness.  Then you gotta carry around all of em in case you need to look concerned, excited, angry, or whatever is needed at any given moment.

In the long run I think I'd choose to lose my left eye. There are, of course, a few reasons.

First, I see better out of my right eye.  But that isn't really the deal breaker here.

Possibly more important than that, shouldn't you always wear an eye patch on the same side as your watch?  I think I learned that from Todd Oldham, the designer. No wait!  Now I remember.  I learned that retarded looking, pastel colored, ridiculously uncomfortable looking furniture is "cool" because of him.

And certainly of major concern would be how I can do my best John Black/The Rock impression with my left eyebrow. That would look pretty intimidating with my "angry" glass eyeball staring out from underneath.

I don't know, I guess my point to all of this is that you should always think through decisions, no matter how important you might think they are right now.  In the future you don't want to be looking back on the day you made up your mind too quickly and left yourself with the inability to watch a porno from your side of the bed without craning your neck awkwardly.

Comments

That was like Dada's answer to a blog entry -- loved it.

Thanks, Schad!

Man, your mind works in interesting and distrubing ways. But I like it. Nice work

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